THE MAGNETIC MODEL |
ILLUSTRATED CONTACT APPLIED SHARED
MY ROADS TO PROSPERITY
Principles practiced properly, patiently and prayerfully produce prosperity. Life's travels have exposed me to a new level of consciousness. This gradual journey, which I first thought to be a destination has me here. This dimension includes physical, mental, spiritual & psycho-social aspects. At least that's how I describe it. I expect that this upward spiral will continue perpetually throughout my life if I allow it. My present perspectives have developed as a direct result of exposure to teachings, environments, and even my genetic predisposition.
Principles practiced properly, patiently and prayerfully produce prosperity. Life's travels have exposed me to a new level of consciousness. This gradual journey, which I first thought to be a destination has me here. This dimension includes physical, mental, spiritual & psycho-social aspects. At least that's how I describe it. I expect that this upward spiral will continue perpetually throughout my life if I allow it. My present perspectives have developed as a direct result of exposure to teachings, environments, and even my genetic predisposition.
I was in my fifties when I finally came to grip with the "why" of my feelings and behaviors. I was not much of a believer in the effects or ramifications of repressed memories. I once considered myself as the sole author of my destiny. Now I know that I was shaped by and through the history of my experiences. Today my beliefs have evolved "We control our destiny by the way we work the principles and laws ordained in the universe by God." Like gravity or magnetism these immutable rules govern our lives in light of the choices we make. One thing is for certain. I know that I did not chose God, God chose me. I tried repeatedly to escape my calling. After multiple back and forth's, failures and falls I finally decided to stick with God, again. I try to embrace the attributes of "JANUS," the double faced Roman deity who was depicted as the guardian of all gates and doorways. I was never powerless nor in full control. I face the reality of this paradox by refining existing skills while obtaining new ones. The "JANUS" model suggests that looking in both directions at once will allow me to reconcile the past in light of the present with regard to the future. The most important skills I continue to develop are mastering my emotions and subordinating my ego. An emotional approach to any situation limits ones ability to gain power over it. Mismanaged reactions can provide some temporary sense of personal relief but may obscure the best path to effective remedial results.
I've manifested the effects of growing up with an inferiority complex. I was bullied throughout much of grade school into my high school years. I never saw myself as a victim then, so I masked my lack of inner confidence with outward arrogance. Having an older brother who was daring and stood his ground allowed me to disguise my inner fears by pretending to be tough with him. I was a late bed wetter and had to deal with the embarrassment of a out of control bladder well into the third grade. My soft heart without a hard look never served me well in New York City and so I learned to play a role. My parents separated while I was three and I was raised primarily by a single mother who worked hard while educating herself. She raised us as best she knew in light of our cultures strict disciplinary style. Although I suffered the disappointments of my fathers absence, as an adult I granted him forgiveness for my sake. I moved on in life without a grudge. My rearing taught me to internalize my feelings and keep an excessive psychological respect for adults and authority. In the seventh grade I was victimized by my primary teacher who repeatedly bullied and verbally abused me . After "playing hooky" and skipping school for over a month I ran away from home. I choose to not attend school to avoid the embarrassment of constantly being called a "waste or vegetable" in front of the entire class. I never did my homework and feared the ramifications I would face if my mother found out. Through Gradual practice I had learned to bury my emotions and could now stop expressing or feeling them altogether. Without an advocate to defend me, and a great fear of punishment, I had to quietly disappear. One day I felt the "time of reckoning" had come. Fear caused me to flee from my very home. That is when I risked my life for six days and five nights and became a runaway child on the streets of New York City. Fortunately the transit police noticed me riding the subway day after day and returned me to my mother.
Running can be an easy start that's harder to maintain on the road of endurance. With normal practice, the sense of a new comfort zone creates a repetitive habit without criteria for performance. Whether effective or not, the instinct, fight, freeze or flight affects us all in our lifetime. I still run today. The running has not changed, just how and when I run. Rather then run from problems, I strive to run towards solutions. They say, "times changes, but people don't." I say, the past may have sway in the present but change comes from a culmination of many experiences. Change is the promise of the future. My pattern was to run from difficult situations and continually hide from them. Fear seems to work that way. I know now that avoidance, lying and procrastination are all by-products of fear. Eventually my deceptions caught up with my realities. Whenever I failed to uncover and deal with my "fears," someone or something else would. My past is filled with many contradictions in feelings, practices and beliefs. I know now, that we are all a product of our experiences, environment, heredity and teachings. Through closed minded denial my ignorance and fears were ripe to be rationalized. Study the word called (Rat-ion- al-lize), just (Ration-out-all-the-lies). Examine the spelling of D.E.N.I.A.L. (Don't Even Know I Am Lying)
The summer before my junior year of High School I learned to fight. That year I became the best friend of a football player and wrestler. I was around a real aggressive sports figure who's example encouraged me to act tough. Now as a chameleon I could really assimilate a deceitful lifestyle. My inferiority complex and introverted behavior had now morphed into a fake superior extroverted act. My new friendship drew me into athletics where I excelled at track and became the captain of the team in my senior year. New confidence fueled a rapid growth in my sexual desires and the Beast was born. My newly acquired skills and my confidence in them allowed me to feel strong. Bullies beware I now believed in me. With a new boldness I now felt ready to deal with any physical challenge. Then I went away to college. As those years came before me, once again I found myself alone. Fear of the unknown was disguised by trying to be cool. I changed my name from Joey to Joe because I felt it sounded more mature. The title of a college student gave me clout and seemed more attractive. This illusion of success gave me confidence. I was cool enough to find and catch the girls, but lacked the emotional maturity to maintain any long term relationships. I was lost in a new world of experiences, unprepared and unguided while faking matriculation. Like many do today, I was "fronting," the imposter who hurts himself and his affiliates.
New experiences may cause us to question old beliefs. Exposure to alternate thoughts and ideas allowed me to confront the why, how and the history of held convictions. The misappropriation or misunderstanding of any concept will corrupt its application by the vessel in which it is held. Some truths are self evident, some are not. Some of the greatest truths are counter-intuitive and not revealed by any rational or logical deductions. We all act in a manner consistent with our beliefs. This has become the most difficult principle I've embraced. Questioning everything, but mostly myself is the primary means for staying on the upward spiral of revelation. The relevance of time in our daily existence also comes into question. Certain laws are only perceivable on the level at which they reside.
The next level of growth occurred through my exposure to religious practices and beliefs. The greatest revelations, challenges and contradictions simultaneously besieged me. I looked to heaven for earthly guidance. An obedient spirit ripe for indoctrination, along with an earnest desire to please God, set me on a path that forever changed my life. The conflict between sexuality and spirituality was set in motion. For periods of time, my soul brought my flesh into subjugation in fear of falling short of my professions. The battle raged on for years. I would fall and fail repeatedly. Yet somehow I got up again and again to continue the fight. Straying and back-sliding was secretly vexing, but grace was plenteous as needed. My greatest and most remarkable return came as love triumphed over lust. I found who I considered as my ideal mate. I was ready to commit to marriage without real ability to express true feelings or passion. Though now victorious, soon the struggle with my flesh returned. With the church as a refuge I found a safe haven to practice what I believed. For a few years I put the beast to sleep. I soon discovered that even in the church, without vigilance there is no guarantee of safety. Just one minor act of indiscretion awoke the beast. The discovery of some private intimate letters written to my wife awakened my insecurity. The spirits of jealously, hurt and revenge subconsciously raged. Although no physical infidelity had occurred my weak and apprehensive ego planted the seeds for the plight of Othello. Sincerity, even in marriage, could not guarantee safety and stability. The spirit of the beast arose and multiplied with more subtle and lethal ramifications. During the lull I had risen to a higher level of prominence. So I practiced a greater level of hypocrisy to preserve the deception. Seven spirits more wicked then the first brought vengeance. The damage had an impact on both my life and all who were associated with it. The final results were devastating, by destroying my own reputation I discredited all the causes I stood for! I was divorced by my wife and then disowned by my son while being a disgrace to the church. The despair was concealed by indulging in carousing, drinking and drugs. My addictions to "crack" and sex led me down a private path of destruction for over five years. Even to this day it's hard to figure out how I fell so hard and succumbed to those spirits. This is the true and possibly biased, but honest account of my downfall. Friends and loved ones have created, embraced and believed many other versions that just are not true. I have not endeavored to correct them. I believe it is not necessary to defend lies or rumors, just outlive them.
Consequences are the inevitable result of all actions. We generally regard them as negative. I see them as wages for the work or the actions we perform. Chastisement and rebuke are not purposed for further perpetuating downfalls. Although It may appear that such actions actually have these type of intentions, their original design is simply for correction and reconciliation. At times our Indignation and desire for punitive actions seem justified when offenses occur. However such measures exercised in the wrong spirit, (behaviors dictated by feelings) like anger or revenge, are ultimately counterproductive. While in the moment it may seem effective. It is in the long run that such lessons and their effects may manifest other unintended and unseen consequences. It is unfortunate that our culture uses punishment and ridicule to control peoples behavior. As we evolve, so will our perspectives and opinions. When I finally found myself, (discovery) I started this world tour apology (confession) represented within these writings. There will always be some regret for the past, but the opportunity to remedy and reconcile for the future is in the present.
As I give myself to growth. My intention is to live into my future, not from my past. Never in the history of the world has there been so great an opportunity individually to have a global impact. I understand that the legacy of slavery along with my personal life's experience has left me as damaged goods. Yes we were emancipated long ago. We were set free. Free to do what? With no education, family, finances, job or destination we were strangers in a strange land. Most people do not understand this fact and so we all reap the manifestations of history. I see it in my life and in the lives of my contemporaries. I won't employ this as an excuse. I will embrace it as motivation. I've been A.W.O.L. to my ministry to serve others. This is the time to fulfill the mission I know I am called to do. I now place myself in an atmosphere surrounded by inspiration. I would be remiss in utilizing the God given potential liberally bestowed upon me. I am endowed with a realization of undiscovered revelations and abilities. My spouse supports me with a seemingly unconditional love which ameliorates the hardships of my struggles. To gain higher and higher insights I need to constantly cultivate a greater compassion, understanding and tolerance of all people. This applies especially to those who seem opposed to enlightenment. It also applies to those closest to me who I care for the most. At times human nature may predispose me to think that I know who will be receptive to these principles. This is not the case. Regardless of what I discern there will be some grief and sorrow to accompanying wisdom and knowledge. There is also joy and happiness that come with triumphs.
I've manifested the effects of growing up with an inferiority complex. I was bullied throughout much of grade school into my high school years. I never saw myself as a victim then, so I masked my lack of inner confidence with outward arrogance. Having an older brother who was daring and stood his ground allowed me to disguise my inner fears by pretending to be tough with him. I was a late bed wetter and had to deal with the embarrassment of a out of control bladder well into the third grade. My soft heart without a hard look never served me well in New York City and so I learned to play a role. My parents separated while I was three and I was raised primarily by a single mother who worked hard while educating herself. She raised us as best she knew in light of our cultures strict disciplinary style. Although I suffered the disappointments of my fathers absence, as an adult I granted him forgiveness for my sake. I moved on in life without a grudge. My rearing taught me to internalize my feelings and keep an excessive psychological respect for adults and authority. In the seventh grade I was victimized by my primary teacher who repeatedly bullied and verbally abused me . After "playing hooky" and skipping school for over a month I ran away from home. I choose to not attend school to avoid the embarrassment of constantly being called a "waste or vegetable" in front of the entire class. I never did my homework and feared the ramifications I would face if my mother found out. Through Gradual practice I had learned to bury my emotions and could now stop expressing or feeling them altogether. Without an advocate to defend me, and a great fear of punishment, I had to quietly disappear. One day I felt the "time of reckoning" had come. Fear caused me to flee from my very home. That is when I risked my life for six days and five nights and became a runaway child on the streets of New York City. Fortunately the transit police noticed me riding the subway day after day and returned me to my mother.
Running can be an easy start that's harder to maintain on the road of endurance. With normal practice, the sense of a new comfort zone creates a repetitive habit without criteria for performance. Whether effective or not, the instinct, fight, freeze or flight affects us all in our lifetime. I still run today. The running has not changed, just how and when I run. Rather then run from problems, I strive to run towards solutions. They say, "times changes, but people don't." I say, the past may have sway in the present but change comes from a culmination of many experiences. Change is the promise of the future. My pattern was to run from difficult situations and continually hide from them. Fear seems to work that way. I know now that avoidance, lying and procrastination are all by-products of fear. Eventually my deceptions caught up with my realities. Whenever I failed to uncover and deal with my "fears," someone or something else would. My past is filled with many contradictions in feelings, practices and beliefs. I know now, that we are all a product of our experiences, environment, heredity and teachings. Through closed minded denial my ignorance and fears were ripe to be rationalized. Study the word called (Rat-ion- al-lize), just (Ration-out-all-the-lies). Examine the spelling of D.E.N.I.A.L. (Don't Even Know I Am Lying)
The summer before my junior year of High School I learned to fight. That year I became the best friend of a football player and wrestler. I was around a real aggressive sports figure who's example encouraged me to act tough. Now as a chameleon I could really assimilate a deceitful lifestyle. My inferiority complex and introverted behavior had now morphed into a fake superior extroverted act. My new friendship drew me into athletics where I excelled at track and became the captain of the team in my senior year. New confidence fueled a rapid growth in my sexual desires and the Beast was born. My newly acquired skills and my confidence in them allowed me to feel strong. Bullies beware I now believed in me. With a new boldness I now felt ready to deal with any physical challenge. Then I went away to college. As those years came before me, once again I found myself alone. Fear of the unknown was disguised by trying to be cool. I changed my name from Joey to Joe because I felt it sounded more mature. The title of a college student gave me clout and seemed more attractive. This illusion of success gave me confidence. I was cool enough to find and catch the girls, but lacked the emotional maturity to maintain any long term relationships. I was lost in a new world of experiences, unprepared and unguided while faking matriculation. Like many do today, I was "fronting," the imposter who hurts himself and his affiliates.
New experiences may cause us to question old beliefs. Exposure to alternate thoughts and ideas allowed me to confront the why, how and the history of held convictions. The misappropriation or misunderstanding of any concept will corrupt its application by the vessel in which it is held. Some truths are self evident, some are not. Some of the greatest truths are counter-intuitive and not revealed by any rational or logical deductions. We all act in a manner consistent with our beliefs. This has become the most difficult principle I've embraced. Questioning everything, but mostly myself is the primary means for staying on the upward spiral of revelation. The relevance of time in our daily existence also comes into question. Certain laws are only perceivable on the level at which they reside.
The next level of growth occurred through my exposure to religious practices and beliefs. The greatest revelations, challenges and contradictions simultaneously besieged me. I looked to heaven for earthly guidance. An obedient spirit ripe for indoctrination, along with an earnest desire to please God, set me on a path that forever changed my life. The conflict between sexuality and spirituality was set in motion. For periods of time, my soul brought my flesh into subjugation in fear of falling short of my professions. The battle raged on for years. I would fall and fail repeatedly. Yet somehow I got up again and again to continue the fight. Straying and back-sliding was secretly vexing, but grace was plenteous as needed. My greatest and most remarkable return came as love triumphed over lust. I found who I considered as my ideal mate. I was ready to commit to marriage without real ability to express true feelings or passion. Though now victorious, soon the struggle with my flesh returned. With the church as a refuge I found a safe haven to practice what I believed. For a few years I put the beast to sleep. I soon discovered that even in the church, without vigilance there is no guarantee of safety. Just one minor act of indiscretion awoke the beast. The discovery of some private intimate letters written to my wife awakened my insecurity. The spirits of jealously, hurt and revenge subconsciously raged. Although no physical infidelity had occurred my weak and apprehensive ego planted the seeds for the plight of Othello. Sincerity, even in marriage, could not guarantee safety and stability. The spirit of the beast arose and multiplied with more subtle and lethal ramifications. During the lull I had risen to a higher level of prominence. So I practiced a greater level of hypocrisy to preserve the deception. Seven spirits more wicked then the first brought vengeance. The damage had an impact on both my life and all who were associated with it. The final results were devastating, by destroying my own reputation I discredited all the causes I stood for! I was divorced by my wife and then disowned by my son while being a disgrace to the church. The despair was concealed by indulging in carousing, drinking and drugs. My addictions to "crack" and sex led me down a private path of destruction for over five years. Even to this day it's hard to figure out how I fell so hard and succumbed to those spirits. This is the true and possibly biased, but honest account of my downfall. Friends and loved ones have created, embraced and believed many other versions that just are not true. I have not endeavored to correct them. I believe it is not necessary to defend lies or rumors, just outlive them.
Consequences are the inevitable result of all actions. We generally regard them as negative. I see them as wages for the work or the actions we perform. Chastisement and rebuke are not purposed for further perpetuating downfalls. Although It may appear that such actions actually have these type of intentions, their original design is simply for correction and reconciliation. At times our Indignation and desire for punitive actions seem justified when offenses occur. However such measures exercised in the wrong spirit, (behaviors dictated by feelings) like anger or revenge, are ultimately counterproductive. While in the moment it may seem effective. It is in the long run that such lessons and their effects may manifest other unintended and unseen consequences. It is unfortunate that our culture uses punishment and ridicule to control peoples behavior. As we evolve, so will our perspectives and opinions. When I finally found myself, (discovery) I started this world tour apology (confession) represented within these writings. There will always be some regret for the past, but the opportunity to remedy and reconcile for the future is in the present.
As I give myself to growth. My intention is to live into my future, not from my past. Never in the history of the world has there been so great an opportunity individually to have a global impact. I understand that the legacy of slavery along with my personal life's experience has left me as damaged goods. Yes we were emancipated long ago. We were set free. Free to do what? With no education, family, finances, job or destination we were strangers in a strange land. Most people do not understand this fact and so we all reap the manifestations of history. I see it in my life and in the lives of my contemporaries. I won't employ this as an excuse. I will embrace it as motivation. I've been A.W.O.L. to my ministry to serve others. This is the time to fulfill the mission I know I am called to do. I now place myself in an atmosphere surrounded by inspiration. I would be remiss in utilizing the God given potential liberally bestowed upon me. I am endowed with a realization of undiscovered revelations and abilities. My spouse supports me with a seemingly unconditional love which ameliorates the hardships of my struggles. To gain higher and higher insights I need to constantly cultivate a greater compassion, understanding and tolerance of all people. This applies especially to those who seem opposed to enlightenment. It also applies to those closest to me who I care for the most. At times human nature may predispose me to think that I know who will be receptive to these principles. This is not the case. Regardless of what I discern there will be some grief and sorrow to accompanying wisdom and knowledge. There is also joy and happiness that come with triumphs.
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